Short Flash Stories
by Kyer
Summary: I finally gave in and decided I needed a place to stuff ficlets when The Flash plot bunnies got too insistent to ignore any longer. Chapter 10: On checking...crappy. DELETED CHAPTER 10.
1. Replaced?

* * *

A/N: Disclaimer: I don't own anything in here other than the plot ideas, so you'll have to go elsewhere to try to buy the rights to Superman and the like.

* * *

Wally sat alone in a dark mood where he'd encircled himself with fatty foods and a pile of kitchen textiles. The Flash's mask was pulled down around his shoulders revealing short, orange-ginger hair; but his face was still momentarily obscured thanks to a fluffy, white cotton cloth. The hand towel was the latest victim of previously clean cloths sacrificed in an effort to keep his face reasonably dry: he was using it as a makeshift XXL handkerchief in between stuffing his face with the remains of the 'hot dog fort' he'd created around him before plopping down in a back corner of the rec room. On the ground lay already sodden dish cloths that had been precursors of the hand towel.

Damn spandex suit designers who never provided pockets so a guy could keep a facial tissue handy.

Damn hyperactive tear ducts that would have made it necessary that the pocket be able to hold _a case of family-sized tissues_ for instances like this.

Not that his costume's lack mattered really. Not anymore, Wally thought morosely as he crammed another bun into his face.

The Flash was soon to be forcibly retired from The League.

His version of The Flash, anyway.

Moist green eyes welled up yet again at the depressing thought and the tear-soaked hand towel quickly joined the dish cloths. He snagged a couple of washcloths from the pile of linens--one for each eye.

Wash cloths.

He was _washed up_ all right; an obsolete, has-been, might-as-well-retire-the-old-thing-to-pasture-now, superhero.

It was crazy! It was ridiculous! It was...so unforeseen. Sure speedster's suffered from fast metabolisms, but..but...

Damn it---he wasn't even 23-years old yet while Batz and Supes were in their 30's _at least_ and--heck--J'onn was _way_ past the AARP membership requirements!

None of which could erase the fact that the other Leaguers wanted him gone so that some replacement speedster they'd already found could be The Flash. He'd indirectly heard the news from Mr. Terrific and Big Blue as he'd been running past the monitor room. The occupants apparently had missed the fact that he was within listening distance outside because they hadn't even tried to sugar coat it for him.

* * *

[Two minutes earlier]

_"Well, frankly, Superman, the problem is your Flash is out of date....utterly useless. It's what's slowing everything down."_

_"That's been rather obvious. So...what do you recommend?"_

_"Well, you'll have to get the new Adobe one. Until you do, all your work here will be for naught."_

_Neither superhero heard Wally's gasp of horror as the distraught speedster had already sprinted towards the commissary._

_

* * *

_Wally didn't know who this_ Adobe _upstart was, but he was going to challenge that jerk to a race and prove he was the better Flash!

Just as soon as he finished eating all of this yummy comfort food.

* * *

**A/N:** This hit me out of the blue because I am damned tired of my online searches getting filled with things that have nothing to do with Wally West/Flash! Curse you, Adobe, Wally World, Flash Gordon, Flash Thompson, and so forth!

P.S. If you like the Waid era Flash comics and don't mind AU (think Elseworlds here), go read DeChunk's Flash category story. Heck, anything of his. It's very well written and the plot is nicely intriguing. The work is not getting nearly enough hits/reviews as it should. He's reviewed this, so you can easily link over to his story list from this story.


	2. Replaced? continued

**A/N:** Empirical proof that the weirdest ideas do not die easily. *Shows vampiric plot bunny wooden stake* *Plot bunny eats wooden stake...burps like a veteran truck driver.* Damn.

Note: El Kabong is part of Hannah Barbera's Quick-Draw McGraw kid's cartoon show now being replayed via cable tv. The masked horse hero would use his guitar the way certain rock stars do. I've always envisioned Wally as a cartoon watcher as well as the comics reader canon makes him out to be.

Also, If you find crackfic unbearable to read, I'll spare you the pain and advise you to leave now. My humor refuses to stay within the solid black lines of canon.

* * *

Wally stood with smug confidence as he watched the growing crowd of curious bystanders gather on the other side of the flag rope banners he'd erected earlier.

His sad state of depression was a thing of last hour. Right now he was seriously _pumped!_

The other Founders thought they were _so_ _smart_ (the bunch of back-stabbing doofuses.)

They'd plotted to sneak in some new spandexed doofus with some mysteriously majorly cool code name to be the Justice League sole speed-centric member.

Probably thought the doofus Flash Rogues and star-struck Flash fans wouldn't notice the difference and that he--Wally--would just throw in the red jammies and limp away without a fight.

Well, he'd show _those doofuses_, by golly! He'd show them _all!_

Not only had he outsmarted Batz by figuring out _who_ this doofus the League had propositioned really was (because it _had_ to be The Caped Rodent who'd masterminded this nefarious plot); but he'd wrote a letter of challenge stating the _whys_ and the _wherefores_, sped to the doofus's place of residence, and _dared_ said doofus to race for the title of The Flash by leaving the letter on the poor slob's dining room table. (Really, the challenger's place was a _pigsty_ and...)

_Anyway_, he was Wally West--The Fastest Man Alive! No other doofus need apply.

Er..wait...that should be...

No other _speedster_ need apply!

Yeah.

_Heck yeah!_

_The challenger was going down!_

_The dude didn't stand a chance!  
_

_Wally was lightning on two legs!  
_

_He was pumped!_

_'__...'_

_'...'  
_

_He was all kinds of bored. Sheesh....what was keeping this 'Adobe' doofus Flash wannabe anyway?  
_

* * *

It was one angry Hawkgirl who battered down the Founder's Council door. Her narrowed eyes considered each wrecked piece of reinforced steel before she hopped over them, posture dripping with disdain for such shoddy Terran workmanship.

_Ha! Let's see El Kabong's measly guitar do __that kind of damage! Thanagarian weapons rock!  
_

Shayera Hol pointed her crackling N-metal mace in the general direction of her shocked co-workers. "All right then...where's the XTZTYLIA&^NS _(translation: bozo)_ who's made Flash resort to this?!" She held up a rolled piece of newsprint. The five stared at her in confusion until she centered her fiery gaze on Superman.

"_There_ you are, you blanket-toting CRoZNan! _(translation: under-endowed [censored]!)_

"What?" the bewildered Man of Steel asked and wondering if it was already _that_ time of the month for her. Thanagarian vs Earth lunar cycles took a Bat computer to figure out. He started to turn his head slightly to ask the cowled man at his right.

"You heard me," Shayera growled, smashing her mace down to shatter a section of the table. This got Superman's attention right back to her. "I want to know _why_ you want to toss Wally out on his lightning bolt of an ear. Preferably before we all see just how well a Kryptonian skull does standing against Ol' S'Mack here." She hit the handle against her palm before waving the mace around for emphasis. "Times up!" The furious Thanagarian then rushed forward, but was grabbed and stopped by the combined might of The Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman before the experiment on Clark's skull density could be tried out. Still seated besides Superman, Batman quickly hid his true feelings behind a false front of apathy. (Inside, though, he was positively giddy.)

"We're firing The Flash?" he dryly asked Superman in his best _'I may be the world's greatest detective, but I don't have a clue what's going on here even though it sure sounds promising'_ tone of voice.

J'onn J'onzz paled--having only just managed to read Shayera's mind past all the family fare profanity and violent children cartoon imagery strewn inside it. "Oh dear. Hawkgirl is correct. It would appear that Flash has indeed come to a foolhardy conclusion."

"Flash did something stupid? That supposed to be news?" The Green Lantern raised a brow. "Its become so commonplace that Batman added that to our daily itineraries: _Rescue Flash After Does Something Moronic_." John used his ring energy to connect with his PDA. "See? It comes right before the 13:00 _Lunch Break_ entry and follows _Make Sure The Flash Mobile Gas Tank Is Empty So Commuters Won't See The Tacky Thing In Action_."

Hawkgirl growled. "Listen up! He was blubbering away about getting replaced in the rec room yesterday. Today he sped into my room to drop off an invite. Because of your callous action, Wally's challenged _you're newbie_ to a race."

The Man of Tomorrow blinked at her. "My newbie?"

"The speedster you hired to take his place." She tossed the rolled paper at him. Fortunately, it just bounced off his dense forehead. Wonder Woman picked it up and spread the page open to reveal an announcement:

_~*~_

_TODAY AT HIGH NOON!_

(THE TRUE ONE AND ONLY)

_FASTEST MAN ALIVE_

VS

(THE UTTERLY LAME)

_ADOBE_

IN A RACE AROUND THE WORLD

FOR THE COVETED TITLE OF

_THE FLASH!_

~*~

She blinked. "Coveted?"

_"Adobe? _Who the heck is Adobe?" John wondered.

"Do I even know an Adobe?" Clark pulled out his PDA and started checking addresses. There were so gosh darn many superheroes these days it was a good thing that they had electronic data bases now as the obsolete Meta White Pages publications would have taken forever to look through. "Adam Ant, Animal Man, Aquaman, Astro Boy...nope, no Adobe."

Shayera's animosity fell as all of them looked blank over the name. "But if we aren't hiring this Adobe guy...just who is Flash racing against?"

Batman's jaw tightened as his brain cycled through possible candidates. None came to mind...until he remembered this was Flash they were wondering about and adjusted his thinking to a non-logic based subroutine. One second later a name popped up and wouldn't go away.

No...no, it was too stupid even for Wally. He checked the notation on his own itinerary and the time.

Five minutes until mid-day lunch break.

Okay, maybe it _wasn't_ too stupid.

"Clark, didn't you say yesterday that our Adobe Player software needed updating?"

"Eh?" Superman risked a quick glance at the Dark Knight. Hawkgirl was on the warpath and wanted his endangered species head on a pike so naturally Bruce's main concern was about the computer. "Yeah. Mr. Terrific is going to do it for us today. Why?" Then his lips formed an 'o'. He sighed. "Well, since there really is no Adobe for him to have challenged no actual harm done."

"Isn't there though?" Batman grimaced.

"Is there?" Clark blinked back.

J'onn's eyes glowed softly as he sought the mind of the Flash. "Oh dear." He passed along the mental imagery to the others.

"Great Caesar's Ghost!"

"Hera!"

"Dumb kid."

"Yom shigureth."

* * *

"Okay, I'm lost." Mr. Terrific keyed in a few sequences, musing over the news. He was the third most intelligent human...and he didn't get it. "Why would Wally want to race _him_?"

Clark explained it again.

"Ah, so Flash thinks he's being dumped for....whose taken on the name of...Adobe." Mr. Terrific grimaced. "I suppose there's a twisted sort of logic to it. Barely. Still dumb."

"That's our boy," Green Lantern agreed._  
_

Superman wearily wiped his face with one hand before clicking on his communicator and noticed the others quietly do the same. He had to get this straightened out before The fastest man alive from the neck down confronted an arch villain and got hurt.

Beside him, Bruce struggled not to show his disappointment over Clark's insistence they stop the massacre. Really, he _could_ have lived with that rogue as an League member. The criminal was a bit messy, but still less trouble to deal with than West was.

"Flash?" Superman asked into his comm.

_"The original deal is still here and kicking. Or were you looking__ for the Sentient Cement Bag, Super Cowlick?"_ Flash's sarcastic voice came over their lines. In the background they could hear an offended growl that was clearly not emanating from Wally's throat as it was much deeper in tone. _("What? Oh, please...like you have thin skin and can't take a little truth-in-advertising teasing.")_

"Flash, there's been a misunderstanding. You're _not_ being replaced by anyone."

_"Hey, I'm not stupid. Adobe...clay...__Clayface. Got to tell you, Supes, not only did his little name change not fool me it hasn't helped his personality any--no sense of humor at all. And don't get me started on the stench--which is exactly like that of those barrels of raw clay they had in Mr. Phibrosey's pottery class. Unless Batz has come up with some sort of Bat air freshener, it's going to get pretty pungent up there in the close confines of the Watchtower cause it's not like you can toss him into the laundry machine. Well, you can, but you'd need a new washer every Saturday."_

More indignant rumbling in the background.

_(Yeah, Adobe, like you can't try even those industrial clay-stick deodorants? Remember that '80 song about heroes? 'Gotta be fresh from the fight'? With you we are talking some serious b.o.)_

Shayera shook her head.

John looked pained.

Mr. Terrific brought up Meta-friendly Mortuaries on his PDA and started making notes.

Superman hastily spoke again before Wally could say anything else inflammatory. "Listen, Flash...._Adobe_ Flash is a player--"

_"And I've __not been a player? That's insulting, Supes. I give my all for you guys. It's not easy keeping this suit clean and pressed 24/7, you know. Well, okay, for me it is, but still..."_

"We know you care about the League and that you belong here as a member." He ignored the sour look on Batman's face. "Besides, how could we possibly replace you with someone else. You're rather unique." Batman rolled his eyes. Clark ignored that too.

_"That's good to hear because frankly Mr. Feet Of Clay's over here's speedster potential kind of sucks like quicksand--"_ he was cut off by a much louder growl from over the communicators. _"Excuse me a mo'. (Would you keep it down, you idiot? I'm trying to listen to Supes apologize to me here.) Okay, Supes, I get that you're busy with other problems, but that still doesn't explain why you're wanting slimy Adobe in the Tower. Think of the cleaning bills. The OSHA issues with slips and falls alone--"_

There was five seconds of nothing but ominous background grumbling from the communicators during which Batman tried to inform The Man Of Steel via his batglare that they should leave well enough alone. Unfortunately for him, Clark believed that friendship trumped most common sense.

"I'm trying to tell you....there's this popular _computer software_ that we were having trouble with and it's called Adobe Flash," Superman patiently explained. "Mr. Terrific agreed to come up to the Watchtower to backup our files and then download and upgrade us to the newest version."

_"Adobe Flash software? Popular Adobe __Flash computer software?"_

J'onn's eyes glowed. "Oh, dear."_  
_

Superman's own eyes widened a little at Wally's smug musings. "It has nothing to do with you, Flash."

_"Uh huh. Jealousy does not become you, Supes. (Wow! Yo, Mucky Mire Man, they named some sort of famous global techie stuff after me. Me! How awesome is that? Heh...I so rule.")_

"No...you..." Superman spluttered then sighed. "Oh, never mind, Flash. The thing is...you aren't being kicked out."

_"Really?! That's great!"_ They could all hear the man's happiness. _"I mean, naturally you can't retire me what with my being so globally popular and all...that would be bad press."_

Batman gave Clark the 'I told you so' look. Superman shrugged. What was done was done.

"So you can cancel the race."

(pause)

_"Oh. Um... " _Wally's voice faded to an urgent whisper._ "Actually, guys, I may be needing some __backup of my own down here. There's the media all set up and I already told Clayface that you guys wanted him for my job and...well, he was rather taken with the idea.__ Don't know how he'll deal with rejection. This may turn ugly in more ways than ever. Hold on.  
_

_(Big guy...bad news. You're not going to be The Flash no way no how and frankly it's for the best as I've felt continental plates shift around faster than you. But no hard feelings, right?")_

There was the sound of mud slapping around, screaming, and cars breaking in half.

_("Dude, this was supposed to be a racing event, not a mud wrestling tournament! Well, that was uncalled fo--Whoa!) Officially turning ugly here!...Someone send down a pallet of assorted cleaning agents, pronto!"_

_Another sound of wet mud._

_("Damn it if this doesn't wash clean I'm--")_

_More sounds of mayhem drowned him out._

"Guess we better get down there," Superman noted somewhat unnecessarily._  
_

John checked his PDA and sighed. "Hmm... Well, it is just before lunch. Right on schedule."

"It's just we _could_ have worked with Clayface..." a forlorn Batman quietly muttered as they headed towards the transport bay.

* * *

**A/N:** There's something masochistically hypocritical about Flash fans. We decry how the animated shows put Wally in a bad light and then write stuff like this. You don't see Batman fans writing so much crack. Of course, they're more likely to suffer an injury during the night if did. 0.0


	3. The Trouble With Bunnies

A/N: More Crack!fic Lite. (I've taken to calling my comedies that as they aren't totally unbelievable....mostly.) Okay, this one isn't quite as Lite as the other although it certainly turned out fluffy. PG13 on account of the Hugh Hefner references. Naturally, it's Wally-centric with some other of the poor slobs tossed in for torture's sake. (If my life is ever imperiled by super villains or natural catastrophe, I suppose I can kiss a League rescue goodbye. Not to mention aid from _other_ agencies.)

The characters are not owned by me, but after this I have some doubt the licensed owners will be in any hurry to claim them back.

* * *

THE TROUBLE WITH BUNNIES--**PG13**

"Later, guys! Got me a sweet thing I met at a bar pining away in my room. Little lady's waiting for her hero to make Bunny's life extra special!" He flashed them all a wide grin before speeding away down the hall. Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and Shayera Hol smiled back even though they knew he was already too far away to see them do so.

Diana blinked. "A lady named Bunny? From a bar? Waiting in his..." She ran through her memories of what she had learned of the less savory aspects of Man's World and matched them to Wally's more public personality. "You don't think he...?" she half turned towards Shayera.

Shayera slapped her forehead because she _did_ think. "Self-proclaimed Fastest Flirt Alive. I thought he was more into Swedish swimsuit models, though. Whomever it is, she must be either pretty desperate or lacking in the brain department to have fallen for any of Wally's pick-up lines."

John Stewart's face showed his confusion as he stared after his buddy.

"Wait a minute...that wasn't the way to the transporter. Playboy Bunny or Mermaid....he knows better than to bring girlfriends into the _Watchtower_," the Green Lantern growled before stomping off after The Flash. Wonder Woman and the Thanagarian quickly followed. They had to get Wally's room and get rid of his _Bunny_ before Batman found out and murdered the speedster for the security breach and potential sexual misconduct on private property.

* * *

In the monitor room, Batman was busy calculating the potential menace of a neighboring dimension of super beings that had always bordered their own. He grunted with annoyance as he got up from his seat. Possible enemies were not the only things he kept track of. They might think The Bat paranoid and intrusive if they knew he always kept one eye on the League during 'off' hours as well as during battles, but at times like this it paid off. Bruce hurriedly calling in Plastic Man to watch the screens while he went to personally see to it that one of Hugh Hefner's former _ladies_ wasn't the only person removed from the space station.

_After_ he found out how the heck Wally had managed to sneak her on board. Security breaches of Wayne systems were intolerable....not to mention embarrassing.

* * *

Superman was compiling a Hero Sandwich for lunch when the masterpiece was all but ripped out of his hands by a red blur. Soon the entire counter he'd filled with plastic-containerized sandwich ingredients was laid bare as well. He pondered the loss of edibles.

_Flash and his hyper-metabolism.  
_

Although...

Well, it was a little strange that Wally had not stopped to shoot the breeze with him for a bit. If there was anything that Flash loved nearly as much as eating and running, it was chatting one's ear off. Something must be up. He considered investigating the matter as the (supposed) leader of the Justice League.

Or maybe it was best to just let it go. He was hungry and surely Batman would stop anything less than truly terrible from transpiring during his lunch break. The Man of Steel made for the refrigerator to start another sandwich....if they weren't out of triticale buns. He was dying for some triticale.

That was until he saw the other Founders heading after Flash's wake.

_Uh oh._

With a sigh, Superman went to join them if only to save whomever ended up being most in dire distress.

* * *

"Superman," Diana smiled hesitantly at their leader as he carefully shouldered his way past her and Shayera to stand by Green Lantern's side. "I'm afraid that Flash has..." they all stared at the steel door before them as a loud giggle came from the other side "...unauthorized female company."

"What do you see in there?" GL rather bluntly asked the Kryptonian. Clark blanched at the thought of what his x-ray vision might reveal considering the sounds of Flash's gaiety leaking from within.

"Um...maybe we should just knock first? I mean...if there really is a girl in there they might not be..." he gulped and reddened "decent."

With a roll of his eyes, John switched on the intercom and was about to speak into it when Wally's giggling voice came through loud and clear.

_"You're so cute, yes you are, Bunny Wunny. But you really should have asked before bringing along your friends as well, you naughty girls. Look at this mess you've all made. Hey, you, just wait now. I promise everyone will get their turn to ride The Flash. Whoah, watch the hair--and the suit. No pawing at me! Stop it...that tickles!"  
_

If anything, Clark's complexion turned even a brighter red. "Good lord....he really has more than one female in there?"

"Harboring strangers in the Watchtower is grounds for dismissal."

John looked back and saw that he'd been joined by not only Clark, Diana and Shayera, but now by an angry Batman as well. _How did Batman find out so fast?_ Never mind. Green Lantern rapped his knuckles against the door to Flash's quarters and barked out a command that would have done an MP proud.

"Open up!"

_"GL? crap... JUST A SECOND! oh man, girls, he's going to kill me..."_

"Second my ass--" (Give Wally a _second_ and he could hide the half the population of Central City in the Watchtower's confines.) John set his ring on 'destroy' mode and blasted a sizable hole in the wall before Batman could stop him from adding to their maintenance bills.

However, it seemed that balanced books were apparently the last thing on everyone mind as the curious gathered around the unobstructed doorway to peer inside. The Founders gaped in surprise at the sight.

Except for Batman who just developed an eye tic.

* * *

"Aw man, GL! I said I'd only be a second!"

A caught Wally was frozen half out of what had been a cross-legged position in the middle of the floor. There were food containers around him as well as the lettuce and tomato remains of a Hero Sandwich. In each of the vegetation-containing ones rooted a ball of fur. More such bundles were being cradled in the speedster's arms and his head gear had been half displaced by what looked like a black rabbit straddling his bared head, rear legs precariously balanced on the askew golden lightning bolts. It twitched its little grey nose in annoyance at the sudden tilting of its _ride_.

"It's okay, girls....just continue eating lunch. I'll handle it." He carefully finished getting up, setting down the rabbits that had been in his arms. They quickly joined the other bunnies which were ignoring the superhero crowd in favor of of finishing off the free food.

Black rabbit still perched on his nest of red hair, Wally ambled over to the doorway. The animal was a bit raggedy looking; its pearly eyes regarded them all with open malevolence that Wally remained unaware of. "Hi, guys. What's up?"

Batman glared at the speedster. _"Cuniculus."_

"Hey!" Wally's hands blurred to reappear on either side of the rabbit's head, covering its ears. "No off-color profanity around the youngsters!"

"Cuniculus is Latin for _rabbit," _Batman informed him. You've brought _vermin_ onto the station."

This made Flash frown a bit and back up a half step as if he expected Batman to hurt him. The bunny, however, glared right back at the unemotional human and with considerably more venom than one would think a vegetarian could manage. It displayed large, chiseled teeth and hissed, clearly not liking the Caped Crusader's attitude while at the same time reaffirming its possession of the particular meta it had claimed as its own.

"They're not _vermin_," Flash sulked. "They're bunnies." He spared a quick glance around his room. Was it his imagination or was the space quickly filling up with bunnies of assorted sizes and colors? "I swear I only snuck _the one_ on board because Bunny was so helpless looking and seems really partial to me. I couldn't very well leave her down alone in the city and there was no time to find her a nice home so I figured she'd be fine up here in my room for a bit until I had some decent free time to find her a permanent owner--thanks a lot for all the scheduled monitor duty, Batz; but when I came back she'd somehow gained company and well, they were hungry so I ran to do some rabbit research and to get some food and when I got back there were more of them and..." he grinned sheepishly, making to scratch the back of his head, but finger tips only managing to meet scraggly bunny fur instead. "Aren't they cute though? This one's Bunny."

"Bunny?" Shayera raised a brow. "How imaginative."

"I was going to call her Blackie, but that seemed too obvious," Wally huffed. "According to the internet, they're called Plot Bunnies." He smiled again as an idea struck. "Hey, maybe we can each adopt one!" He looked around, enthusiasm fading just the tiniest bit. "...Or a dozen."

"Ow," John's moan switched the Founders attention from Flash to Green Lantern. He was holding one of the rabbits by the scruff of the neck. It had red fur and slightly pointed ears and was baring its teeth at the Lantern in a most unfriendly fashion. John's finger was bleeding as a testament to its dislike. Wally quickly appeared before him.

"I was going to name that one Cindy. She a bit fussy...won't touch any of the spinach or lettuce---only the yellow vegetables. I don't think she likes the color green at all."

Flash's grin faded as a movement near Clark's foot caught his eye. "Lexie, stop trying to bite Supe's ankle."

Superman looked down and shied away from the hairless rabbit nudging at his boot's toe as if was considering how best to take it apart.

"Flash, I think these are boys...not girls," he stated with some of that special knowledge gleaned from a childhood spent on a farm.

"Male or female, I believe this one's a cheetah cub and not a...cuniculus," Diana added as she held away a spitting ball of spotted fur. Wally's hands again flew to Bunny's head.

"Yo! Innocent ears! Geez, Diana! Watch the language!"

Wally picked another bunny and shoved it at Batman as if it was a peace offering of some kind. "This ones Jokes." The rabbit in question had its top knot stained green from some lettuce juice and its mouth was abnormally wide from a large piece of carrot it had somehow managed to jam in its cheeks. Reddish '_lips'_ were coated with what _might_ be strawberry jelly. It leered at the Dark Knight, wild eyes appearing to ponder wilder possibilities. "This one likes to get into all sort of trouble. I swear it's laughing at me all the time."

Batman grimaced at the clownish face with undisguised distaste. He graced Superman with a pointed look. "They seem to be multiplying at an exponential rate."

"Don't look at me. It's the rabbits that are breeding."

"If we don't get them off this station, we're going to be hip deep in them."

Clark pinched the bridge of his nose. "What do you suggest we do?"

"Maybe if we beamed them into space..."

Instantly, Flash was on the other side of the room, Jokes in his arms. "Mr. Wayne, that would be inhuman!"

"I agree with Flash, though we can't very well keep them here and sending them to Earth could result in an ecological disaster." Superman frowned as he nudged the hairless rabbit away from his boot for the third time. "Where can we send them?"

"I have an idea," the Dark Knight mused aloud. "With some computer analysis...taking into account the possibilities of--"

Superman could swear he could hear Bruce doing rapid calculations in his head as he walked off to commune with his computer.

Wally slumped over to stand by Superman. "Do we have to get rid of them? I mean, Batz keeps winged bats in his Batcave so why can't I keep plot bunnies in my room?"

"I'm sorry, Wally, but yes, they have to go. Too much of anything--even plot bunnies--is not necessarily a good thing."

"Oh...it's just that I kind of liked them. They're so friendly." He reached up to pet Bunny. It snarled happily.

"OW!"

"Why, you little..."

"Demon spawn!"

Shayera, Diana, and John had taken out their weapons and assumed defensive positions against the horde of encroaching fur balls. Clark nudged Lexie away for the umpteenth time.

"I'm afraid most other people just aren't made for plot bunny co-habitation, Flash."

"Aw, nuts."

* * *

Plastic Man hummed to himself as Superman and Batman entered the Monitor Room. "Say guys, you know that big alternate dimension that was encroaching on ours like a Doomsday Cornucopia In Space ready to gobble us whole? It seems to be experiencing a hostile takeover. By the by....what happened to all those cute yet homicidal plot bunnies Wally was harboring?"

"Yes, Batman, where did you send them all?" Big Blue gazed expectantly at his second-in-command. (Technically.)

"Them?" Bruce took up a cup of coffee and sipped from it with satisfaction. "I gave them a good home."

"Where?"

"I used the trans-dimensional portal."

"Bruce...you didn't?" Superman looked horrified.

"Into space? No. Just...somewhere distinctly..._marvelous_."

* * *

Captain America held the rabbit out at arms length. "Where did these troublesome manifestations all come from again?"

"We're not sure," Spiderman sighed, "but Reed of the Fantastic Four thinks they came from that dimension parallel to our own that opened up for just long enough to dump them all here. He and Ironman are trying to get the portal to open again and send them back, but it appears to be have been locked closed again."

Captain America sighed. "I suppose it could be worse. We could be overrun by talking mice and water fowl."

Peter Parker snorted. "As if."

* * *

a/n: I don't own DC, Marvel, or Star Trek....or a certain entertainment and cartoon company who's lawyers are particularly liable to sue for the least little thing and thus are going un-named here.

Background: Although it did not start out to be so...this story is heavy with Classic Star Trek references to The Trouble With Tribbles, arguably the most famous and certainly the most (intentionally) humorous episode of that series. In it, furry critters named Tribbles ate all of a vital supply of grain called quadrotriticale that was meant to keep a planet from starvation. Whenever they ate they bred like...well, like speedster rabbits, actually. When the starship was about to be inundated with them, Mr. Spock (logical alien) collaborated with Mr. Scott (miracle working engineer) to have them beamed them all over to an enemy ship's engine room. (Oh, Mr. Scott, you devil you!)

(Triticale is a wheat hybrid grain developed in Canada last century. If you are a Trek fan at all, you'll recognize some of the lines as modifications and even direct steals from Trouble With Tribbles and that the episode itself was based on the historical situation Australia had when they imported rabbits into the country and the disaster that created.


	4. Forever Knight xover

Probably only one or two people who share the fandoms will get the humor of this, but...

* * *

Nicholas growled upon seeing his new friend in the clutches of his master. "Lacroix, don't you dare bite him."

The ancient was amused. "What is the matter, Nicholas? Jealous of your new brother-to-be already? I'd thought you'd enjoy having someone in the family with your same penchant for working with the law. Not to mention gratis car maintenance for that monstrosity you insist on driving around." He chuckled rather nastily and bared his fangs at his victim.

The wide-eyed man wearing the coveralls of a auto mechanic inhaled sharply at this threat. "Nick?"

"You can't turn him, Lacroix. His blood is...not something you'd want to imbibe." Nicholas smirked, crossing his arms. "Besides, you have little to offer him anyway."

"Is that so? Now I'm further intrigued. Just what is so special about a grease monkey that you think I have nothing greater to offer him?"

"Well, there is flight and supposed immortality," Nick conceded. "However, that's hardly enough to keep him at your side even if you did manage to catch him."

"Manage?" Lacroix tilted his head back and let loose with a loud laugh. "My dear Nicholas, surely you jest? We are faster than any mortal."

His wayward son smiled, letting a bit of his own fangs show. "Think so? Wally...run. Fast as you can."

Without a word, the red-headed man...disappeared. For a moment Lacroix blinked with stupefaction. Nicholas's companion was not a vampire. The 2,000-year old Roman was far from some newbie that he couldn't sense one of his own kind. Then where had the man gotten to so quickly? Lacroix tried to find his quarry, but there was neither sign nor scent of the green-eyed sprite.

"How?"

His son shrugged. "You are right that Mr. West is special...only far more so than you think. I suggest that for the duration of our stay at Keystone City...you leave him be. Besides, he's got some powerful friends even you don't want to be messing with."

(Heaven knew Nick didn't want to have to explain a turned Flash to Batman.)

* * *

A/N:

This small xover drabble takes place between Flash volume II comic books (late into the Ignition story) and Forever Knight (second season). I really liked the idea that homicide detective Nicholas deBrabant would have met police mechanic Wallace West if he'd ever been lent by Toronto to Kansas for a bit. Chances are his Caddy would have needed some work on it. Wally would produce a mechanical miracle for him. Lacroix -the obsessive father of Nick- would follow and try to interfere in Nick's newest friendship. lol. Honestly, this idea would possibly have worked even better with Barry...but I like Wally better. Ignition worked best as this is when nobody but a very few knew who Flash was from that story on...Flash was supposed to have vanished from Keystone/Central. Anyway, it was short enough to post and got my mind off of other problems for a few minutes.


	5. The Flash VS Superman MISmatch

This drabble was inspired by an ad I saw today from a major brand name company. DC owns Justice League. Explanation at the bottom of the story.

* * *

"Flash, why are you grinning?" The Dark Knight asked from the shadows as Wally West sauntered into the Watchtower's control center. In one hand dangled a plastic draw-string bag.

The speedster simply shrugged, but if anything the ivory span separating his lips grew wider.

"C'mon, Batman...Flash is always smiling about something," Mr. Terrific opined from behind his crossword puzzle book.

"I know," Bruce growled. "That's why I've made a study of the different twists and turns his facial muscles make so as to better catalog which each might mean for the survival of humanity. A mere smile is generic. This one is a definite grin. The kind that usually denotes 'bad ass idea' which will cause everyone else a headache."

"You're paranoid."

"I'm also right."

Mr. Terrific considered that.

"Touché." He bookmarked his page and set the paper book down, giving Flash his full attention. "He does look like he's up to something. Maybe I should put the station on Yellow Alert?"

"Har, har...very funny." Wally crossed his arms, but the smile remained in place. The package swung gently in his grip. "As it so happens, I only came up to inform you that I'm going to be otherwise engaged for the next ten minutes, so hold all my calls."

"Hold..." Mr. Terrific began in a patient voice "all your calls...for ten minutes. Got it." That was easy enough. Flash never received any calls when he wasn't on an actual mission. Well, there was the occasional lawyer threatening to sue.

"Yes. On account that I'm going to be attending a shoe race competition."

"A marathon?" Batman asked, frowning. He wasn't aware of any marathons scheduled for today that had boasted a superhero in any capacity. Besides, only one person on the planet could hope to keep up with Wally if the speedster had both feet on Terra Firma.

"Nah...not this time." Flash spread out his arms in a sweeping circle, nearly knocking Mr. Terrific in the noggin with his package. "This time it's just Supes and Flash around the globe in their first ever match to see who is fastest."

Batman was not amused. "You've raced him several times."

"Superman is out of system helping Green Lantern," Mr. Terrific pointed out, warily eying that plastic bag. "Perhaps you should have checked with him in advance of holding this event?"

Wally scratched the back of his head as he flopped into seat. "I know. Pity he won't be there to see it. GL too because...well, he might be in a future event. But the show must go on as scheduled. It's my only free time until tomorrow."

"Show?" Batman grunted. "Flash, I want to know what you're up to...now."

Flash rolled his eyes. "Geez, Batz, I already told you...the race. Who knows, Superman even stands a 50/50 chance of winning this one, so Clark probably would have wanted to be there." With a flurry of red and gold the speedster's regular footwear was gone. In place of the yellow boots he now wore a bright red and gold huarache trainer...on his right foot. On his left was an identical trainer colored in equally bright red, gold, and blue. "Ain't they cool? The company patterned them after the _best_ of the best in the League which naturally included me. (Sorry, guys, that doesn't include you two.) They came on sale today and I couldn't resist."

"Superman and Flash trainers..." Mr. Terrific eyed the brand new -but _mismatched_- shoes adorning Wally's tootsies.

"Yep." Wally openly admired the way the red one glistened in the artificial lighting. "There's a Green Lantern, too, but I've only got two feet otherwise this would be a three-way race. Anyway, the first shoe to cross the finish line wins the honor of being The Fastest Shoe Alive! Well, not technically _alive_, but who cares about boring facts?" He tapped the red shoe. "Personally, my money's on The Flash because I tend to lead with my right." His mask grew a speculative demeanor. "Of course, it could be a tie if my legs are positioned just so when I cross the line. Maybe I should swing by Metropolis and pick up Jimmy Olsen in case we need a photo finish?" He got up, brimming with enthusiasm and energy. "Well...gotta go! Beam me down near the equator, will you?"

"Did this conversation actually happen?" Mr. Terrific asked after the Flash was gone.

"Unfortunately," Batman muttered as he headed for a computer terminal. Bruce Wayne has some inquiries to make...like why a certain shoe manufacturer had not included a black and gray with yellow highlights trainer in their new line of footwear before he bought out said company and removed their CEO for exhibiting lousy sales acumen.

* * *

A/N: Nike is selling a line of huarache trainers inspired by super heroes. It's a damned shame it's only the colors...no lightning bolts or anything like that on them or I'd really, really, want a pair awfully bad.


	6. The Flash VS Superman MISmatch continued

**A/N: IN CASE YOU ARE CONFUSED BY THIS:**

Hardly any time after I posted the first part and I started wondering what would happen if...but by then there were already several readers of chapter 5 so it was too late to tack on more. Thus, yesterday's (September 11) post is continued in this chapter 6 (posted September 12.)

**PC Warning!** Seriously, I don't care what race, sex, sexuality, or flavor of lip balm you wear. If something strikes me as funny I use it. If you don't find it funny, roll your eyes and hit the back key. Kindly remember that you get what you pay for and I've not seen one additional Abe Lincoln hit my cash jar.

Read at your own risk of sensibilities because following insane PC rules would give me hives. Heck, I don't even respect Wally's sensibilities beyond reason and I adore him. By contrast, I don't know you people from Marvel characters*. :)

*Repeat reviewers excepted because I do know you are either bored out of your skulls or being held captive by ninja gerbils and forced to read fics at FFN while waiting for the FBI to forward that ransom of unmarked granola bars and a fast plane to Rio.

* * *

Flash VS Superman Mismatch _continued_ (or Putting The Shoe On The Other Foot):

Feeling a tad discombobulated, Superman poked his head into the Watchtower lunchroom.

"Um...guys?" He waited politely until all the break time conversations had quieted and several of the heroes showed signs of paying attention to their figurehead leader. "Sorry to disturb you all, but I just got back from the meteor fields of Orion? Could somebody please tell me why Flash was yelling at his feet?" Superman stepped fully into the room, holding a colorful object. "I'd ask him myself, but when I arrived I nearly got beaned by a shoe." (He blinked with a bemused air at the huarache trainer in his hand, deciding not to reveal the whole scenario to the lunch crowd even if they might be wondering why his chest emblem sported more tread marks than a demolition derby arena.) The foot covering was one of the mismatched pair the League's speedster had been wearing when he and GL had returned to the Watchtower. It was -Clark decided- a pretty snazzy looking shoe all things considered...all brilliant blue and radiant red with just a little bit of golden-sunlight yellow to inspire a warm feeling in him. Still...

Well, being attacked via kryptonite chunks, missiles, bullets, and even crazed and ungrateful treed cats were not unheard of for the Man of Tomorrow, okay? Superman just wasn't used to having flying footwear -no matter how attractive- pitched at him. Certainly not retrieved from mid bounce and then hurled at his chest emblem a few hundred times by a wild-eyed Wally West. (Oh wait...there was that time Lois had gotten slightly miffed at him for leaving the toilet seat up in the unisex Daily Planet restroom, but she'd only thrown it at him the once.

Twice, tops.

At any rate, He and John had combined their might to bodily force Wally into his room and lock the door. Green Lantern had gone to find Mr. Terrific in hopes of figuring out why Wally was suddenly exhibiting homicidal tendencies towards his former idol.

"Flash came up second in a footrace with Superman," Vixen explained as she continued her arm wrestling match with The Blue Beetle while Booster Gold cheered his best friend on.

"Excuse me?" Superman asked, sure he'd misheard her. Maybe his super ear canal was plugged with too much super wax?

"Lost a bundle to himself too," a sweating Blue Beetle added. "But that's gambling for you. Sometimes you win...sometimes you lose. Only Flash could somehow manage to do both on one bet for the same race." He groaned as his hand smacked the table hard enough to break a bone. "Damn it...not again. I thought we agreed you couldn't use any of your mystical animal strength?" She smiled sweetly at him.

"I didn't break your rules. I used _Spiderman_ strength. Sue me."

The Man of Steel opened his mouth to ask another question because the first replies were rather sub par on the enlightenment scale. On second thought he closed it. If at first the answers make no sense...better not to know.

Just then Flash's angry voice careened through the overhead speakers at Mach one:

"SUPERMAN, COME BACK HERE SO I CAN SHOVE MY FOOT INSIDE AND START KICKING ASPHALT, DAMMIT!"

Clark sweat dropped.

_Good Lord! Had those words actually come out of the happy-go-lucky Flash? Why was Wally so upset with him? That mishap with the laundry starch had been weeks ago. They'd ironed it out already._

"I GOT ME A SHOE HORN AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!"

_The man was irrational._

"Did we...perchance...have another mix up with an alternate dimension of evil Leaguers while I was away?"_  
_

Wonder Woman dashed past him, aiming for the refrigerator.

"Ice...ice...Hera help me...where is the ice bag?"

"YOU'RE NOT STEPPING AWAY FROM THIS THAT EASY!"

"How'z Batman cop'n?" a droll Vigilante asked as he shuffled a deck of cards while Sir Justin sat opposite him at their table. The knight did not look all that thrilled at the prospect of their game.

"He's being treated for post hysterical laughter. Medics got him in an oxygen tent just in time." a distracted Diana muttered in reply as she rummaged around in the cooler for ice. "Mochas, chocos, something I swear just winked at me before it oozed inside the crisper... Hades...are the villains the only ones who possess frozen water dispensers?"

"CHEATER, CHEATER, ODOR EATER!" Flash continued to rant from his room.

Vigilante expertly dealt everyone at his table a hand. "I believe Captain Cold and Mr. Freeze are still holding the patents to those. Try the freezer, darlin'."

Following Greg's helpful advice, Wonder Woman found the ice bag and ran out clutching it to her chest like it was gold. Clark gaped after her in confusion. First Wally had gotten a killer instinct and now Batman had suffered from hysterical laughter? And what was with Diana's sudden obsession with ice?

"I SWEAR I'LL PULL THAT WAGGING TONGUE RIGHT OUT IF YOU START BOASTING ABOUT THIS!"

_Yeesh._

"Did The Joker attack The Watchtower with some sort of gas?" _Go away for one day and all hell breaks loose._

"Nay, Superman," Justin put in as he apprehensively picked up another card from the ones Greg had given him. Every time he got one depicting a person of royalty, it was hard not to genuflect and thus give Vigilante a clue as to which card he held. "Sir Bat was watching the race via the magical seeing eyes should perchance trouble befall our good Flash. T'was a crusade of ill tiding." _Merlin's beard...another King._

"YOU SLIPPERY, SNEAKERY-SLICK-SOLED-!"

Vigilante snickered as The Shining Knight left his seat in order to perform the proper respect to his latest card. "Batman witnessed the gran' finale and it plumb nar killed 'im. Started making the dangdest caterwauling symphony yer ears ever despaired t'hear. Collapsed n' started turn'n blue on the spot. Banged his noggin too, but the doc's were a mite more concerned about asphyxiation than head trauma."

"Hence our fair maiden's mission of charity to get ice for his woes." Sir Justin put in.

"JELLY-BELLIED, LOW-HEELED, UPPITY-!"

"You mean Wally..?" _Weevils in the corn bin...did an insane Flash attack Batman so fiercely it made even the stoic Bruce cry out from the agony before Wally tried to choke the man?_

John Stewart grimaced as he entered the room. "According to Mr. Terrific, Batman saw Flash's right foot trip over a forgotten brand name tag left on Superman -which sent our resident idiot sailing left foot first over the finish line. The Gotham Knight danged near busted a gut." He smiled. "Damn...I hope somebody recorded it."

"Recorded...?" Clark blinked. _What was this about a name tag?_

"Flash's tournament of the fleetest." Sir Justin went for another card. A Queen. He sighed. Why did such a small pack of cards hold so much royalty? Surely the peasant cards could not support such a number within their ranks?

"If so it would be worth a lot of money. The sight of a laughing Bats scared Mr. Terrific so much the man turned white," Booster Gold added. He glanced nervously between a glaring Vixen and a frantically-waving-his-hands Blue Beetle. "Hypothetically speaking of course." She continued to glare at him. "Boy, you people are uptight in this century."

"_You_ people?"

"MULE-TOED, SLING-BACKED, SHOW-BOATING-!"

"So..." Clark had a bad feeling. "Flash had a shoe race?" He sidestepped to let a terrified Booster run out of the lunch room. A snarling Vixen followed, roaring like an enraged Bengal tiger.

"Yeah, to determine the fastest shoe...and the right shoe didn't take the prize," Beetle nodded, distracted by the need to decide whether it would be worth trying to save Booster from Vixen's wrath.

"Superman's the Fastest Shoe not-Alive, The Sultan of Slapstick nearly killed The Gotham Grimness, and Mr. Terrific got religion." Green Lantern summarized for Clark.

"Oh-kaay." Superman was utterly lost. None of this made sense. Could it get any worse?

"-SHODDY EXCUSE FOR TROTS, JOGS, AND ORTHOPEDIC ARCH SUPPORT! THAT RACE WAS RIGGED! INVALID RESULTS FROM A FOUL! STUPID LABELS AND THEIR STUPID DANGLING DANGLY-NESS! WHERE'S THAT SUPERMAN? SHOE'S GONNA BE ON THE OTHER FOOT, BY GOLLY! I DEMAND THERE BE A _REMATCH!_"

_Oh boy._

Maybe it was not too late to head back to Orion's meteor fields? If what Kal-El heard was true...in space even Superman can't hear Flash scream.


	7. The Tooth Fairy

_a/n: wrote this while waiting to get back into the editor. Decided to put it up for the heck of it. Anyway, FFN probably won't load it anyhow the way it's been stymieing me all weekend. AGH...wouldn't let me fix typos for hours and hours! IT'S MY LAST DAY OFF, YOU TWITTY THING!  


* * *

_

_The Tooth Fairy_

_.  
_

_"Just get the tooth under the pillow from this address and be back within five minutes or I win and you have to go back home."_

_"Too easy."_

_"Then you have nothing to worry about attempting it and I'm your plaything for eternity. But fair warning...don't wake up the guy in the bed or you'll regret it."_

_

* * *

_Attempt this? A grin spread around one well chewed cigar.

The Big Sap must be really desperate if he thought offering such a lame challenge would keep the master of mischief gone for more than a minute or two. Why, he'd get the item and still have plenty of time to pester Superman before even that long of a time had expired. As for the so-called guardian busy sawing wood in the bed? He looked like some over-grown kid in red flannel sleep wear. Anyone who slept with a teddy bear and wore footies with lightning bolts on the ankles could hardly prove to be very fearsome in protecting a misplaced molar from anybody.

"Like candy from a baby snark." The tooth was just sliding up from beneath the pillow when a red-clad hand snatched it out of the air.

"Hey, you're not the tooth fairy!" the former sleeper hotly declared, placing the stuffed toy protectively behind him while keeping the prize safely within his fist.

"Uh...of course I am." The trespassing thief suddenly was wearing a jumpsuit with an embroidered tooth design on the front rather than the attire he had arrived in. "I'm a tooth fairy. Orthodontics done by appointment. Just contact my fairy secretary."

"You're no a such much! You don't have fairy wings." the king-sized kid helpfully pointed out.

"Wings...eh?" Mxyzptlk gave himself a pair of dragon wings. "There...wings." The dental deputy smiled appreciatively at the leathery flappers. (At this point the thief decided to just call him 'Red Big-Kid' for the simplicity of it.)

"Cool." However, RBK next shook his head. "Sorry, dude. You can't lie to me. I recognize you. You're that Kitchen Appliance guy."

"Okay, so the jig is..." The sprite's mouth dropped open. "I'm what?"

"One of those As Seen On TV hucksters," Red Big-Kid expounded. "Mr. MixerZiptastic."

"That's Mr_. Mxyzptlk!"_

"Whatever." Red Big-Kid reached back for his teddy bear, snuggling the plush toy under his chin. "So...just how fast is it?"

"How fast is what?"

"The blender you sell on TV. Does it really come with multiple speed settings? Mr. Pookums here doesn't like to wait for breakfast when his tummy starts to rumble."

"Stuffed toys eat?"

"How do you think they got stuffed?"

"I don't hawk blenders."

"Then why do you call yourself Mr. MixerZiptastic?

"I don't..." Mxyzptlk face palmed and sighed. "Look, just let me have the tooth and I'll talk to this tooth fairy fella about getting you a blender."

"You're thinking of Santa Claus. The Tooth Fairy doesn't have a factory for making stuff."

Mr. Mxyzptlk magicked himself a Kris Kringle suit and a blender. "You got me...I'm Santa and here's your blender. Now hand over the tooth."

"Santa isn't some door-to-door salesman" the over-sized youngster sniffed. "He gives stuff for freebie like. Besides, I don't need a blender." The scarlet hero demonstrated this by whirling his hands at an incredible speed, sending Mxyzptlk's derby soaring to the ceiling. "See? I can chop stuff faster than a Gin Soup knife too."

His cigar got cut in half.

"Then _why_ did you ask about a blender?" Superman's nemesis angrily snatched back his hat and repaired his ciggie.

"Just curious."

Mr. Mxyzptlk stared at him. Maybe Superman's warning about this tooth guardian carried more weight than he'd first imagined.

"So... how about you give me the molar and I _don't_ give you a blender," he wheedled.

"Just for fun, let's negotiate for higher stakes. You want this tooth?" RBK jiggled the fist holding the tooth captive. "I and Mr. Pookums want candy."

"Yer joking. Wouldn't sweets be the reason why you lost the tooth in the first place?"

"Yeah, but I got this fast metabolism thing working for me...so it's fine." Big Red-Kid opened his mouth wide and pointed to show where a new tooth had already replaced the one he'd lost. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Very convenient," a nonplussed villain agreed. "Anyway, candy..." He made some hard sweets wrapped in cellophane appear. To his chagrin, the aged ankle-biter turned his nose up at them. "No tooth breakers?"

"I don't go for the cheap thrills."

The candy became a filled bag with a jack-o-lantern face.

"Halloween strawberry fake-blood pops?"

"Nuh uh. No cheap _chills_, either. I want the good stuff."

"Tough customer." He reappeared wearing a German folk costume bearing a plate of rich brown squares. "Imported German chocolate?"

"Pssh! No, I said I want the candy that's so yummy that they can only make enough to give out once a year lest other candy makers go bankrupt. And I want it straight from the real deal. No costumed knock offs or made in Taiwan rip-offs."

"Don't tell me..." the red and white furred suit came back. "Santa, again?"

"Close...but he's second banana in the candy biz."

"No kidding? And the first banana of sugar would be?"

"The Easter Bunny."

"Isn't that animal a myth like Santa Claus?" Mr. M asked.

He got one hell of a glare from Red Big-Kid for that remark.

"Shut your mouth if you're only going to blaspheme!" Green eyes speared him with their indignation. "Santa and Mr. Bunny are the epitomes of the holiday spirits. You bad mouth them and you bad mouth all that is good and true."

Realization hit. "You wouldn't happen to know Superman personally, would you?"

"Know Superman?" Red Guy-Kid proudly thrust out his chest. "We work together."

"Often?"

"Yep."

"24/7?"

"Like two peas in an iPod."

"Dagnabitt!" Mr. Mxyzptlk threw down his cigar. "No wonder I can never psyche him out -he's got _you_ for a daily sparring partner!"

"Nah, Supes foils you so much because it's so easy to get you to say Mxyzptlk."

"You mean Mr. Kltpzyxm...oh, cru-"

In the milliseconds it actually took Mr. Mxyzptlk to get whisked back to his home dimension, a grinning Flash gave him a thumbs up. A moment later, he called Superman.

"How did it go?"

"Piece of cake. Speaking of which...?"

"Ma said she can make any kind you want as long as you get her any exotic ingredients she might not have on hand."

"Sweet!"


	8. March 17

A/N: I started with this vague idea last month...started working on it...started working on Child's Play again...and within an hour the earthquake struck Japan. I've been glued to the TV coverage for a week...so...this is late and not as thought out as I'd have liked it to be.

* * *

Another day, another...

"What the hell?" Kyle Rayner squawked in surprise as the hero suddenly found he was traveling along at 200-mph in a diagonal variance from the direction he'd originally been heading. Of course, there were a variety of reasons as to why this sudden change in his trajectory should have spontaneously occurred:

One: Kyle was a Green Lantern member: the not so fancy title for a galactic S.W.A.T team employed by immortal little blue guys endowed with overinflated self importance and a tendency towards delegating the deadlier problems to decidedly _non-immortal_ Green Lanterns. Challenges like one-eyed Borg starfish and villains with egos just as large as those of the aforementioned little blue dudes.

Two: he was a (honorary) member of the Justice League.

Yeah...'nuff said, right? With those two jobs on your resume one didn't even bother checking for any retirement plans in company brochures.

This time around it proved to be the latter organization that was at fault for his being yanked off course. To be specific: the League's speedster. To be even more precise, a red-clad Flash prone to acting without thinking -or warning a guy first- before the menace clad in yellow boots made a hit and run on his unprepared ally.

"Is there an emergency going down?" Kyle asked.

"Kind of. Just relax and enjoy the ride."

"Relax...yeah." The Green Lantern thought it over for all of the five seconds needed to test his League communicator's reception. (Compared to most other Lantern's he was a pretty laid back guy so he refrained from getting all trigger happy over this, but...being carried about bridal style was a bit much.) As he was afraid of...the receiver was working just fine.

There was no Justice League emergency going down.

Well, damn. Kyle would have preferred a report on rampaging aliens invading Albuquerque to this. (The motivations of berserk Betelgeuseans were easier to figure out than those of a berserk Wally "The Fastest Man Alive" West.) The thing to do now was to just stay calm and hope his buddy didn't worsen Kyle's whip-_flash_ by making any sudden u-turns once openly confronted.

"See, here's the thing. There's no alerts on the com about a disaster...and even if there were, I could get there just as fast on my own power. Given all of that, what's with the two-legged taxi treatment?" Kyle groaned as a thought struck. "Tell me you didn't go and try to hot wire Batman's robot dinosaur again for your YouTube fan film: Godzilla vs The Flash?"

Wally grunted, "It's March," as if that explained everything.

A luminescent green calendar formed before Kyle's eyes from the power of his ring. Again, being a laid-back kind of superhero, he took another moment to admire his imagination's _Babe Watch Swimsuit Model of the Month_ before agreeing, "Indeed it is."

"March _the seventeenth_," Wally emphasized the date...though he was also enjoying Kyle's artistic talent.

"Which follows the sixteenth quite nicely." That oddly explained a lot...yet conversely still made little sense when applied to the situation Kyle found himself in. Consciously or not, bathing beauty Miss March morphed into the shape of a question mark.

"Saint Patrick's Day, Kyle," Wally huffed. "I needed something green for the holiday and couldn't find Green Arrow."

Okay. Now it was making sense.

Comparatively speaking.

"Probably sleeping in with Dinah," Kyle mused aloud. Ollie, like his pseudo-son Roy Harper, loved to...um...spread the love, so to speak.

"That's why I didn't look too hard. There are things Man was not meant to see even once let alone_ twice_ and Ollie's bared caboose is one of them." Kyle felt the fillings in his teeth rattle as the Flash shuddered at some (hopefully) unshared memory.

"What about J'onn?" Kyle asked. " He's as green as you can get." The Martian Manhunter was pretty green as well with a uniform hue that was more than skin deep.

"Don't think I didn't try." Flash adjusted his hold on Rayner without missing a step. "You could say I literally picked him first. He just phased right out of my arms and floated up until he was out of my hearing range." (Who knew such a a green Martian could spout such blue language? Totally rude.) "Anyway, you were the only other one I could think of on such short notice."

"Huh. Lucky Charms me then."

"Believe me, you are no leprechaun in so far as the weight department factor," Wally grunted, again shifting his unhappy load. "Unless you're hiding a pot of gold in that suit, I'd lay off the donuts for awhile."

"Like anyone can get fat with you grazing through the Watchtower kitchens several times daily?" The Green Lantern bemoaned. "I was a member for one straight week before I even knew there was supposed to be food in there." He paused, realizing they'd gotten sidetracked from the original issue. "Rather than picking up random green heroes, you _could_ just put something on that's green." Kyle pointed out. "Like a sash or a hat...or a pin."

"Hey, I'm the Scarlet Speedster, remember? It would so totally go against tradition for me to be seen wearing anything else than regulation red. Besides, mixing scarlet and green makes me look like a Christmas advertisement and though I got to admit my suit was just made for Valentines..."

"Yeah, yeah...wrong holidays."

"Plus, anything not speed proof just disintegrates at higher velocities," Wally grumbled, "or I'd simply wear one of those '_Kiss Me, I'm Irish!'_ shirts."

"Just put me down, already." They were traveling too fast to be seen by the mortal eye, but Kyle wouldn't put it past Superman to catch sight of them and get the wrong impression...especially when he was kind of hoping to ask Super Girl out on a date at the earliest opportunity.

"No can do, man. Not until this day is over and done with."

"What?" Wally, it's only five in the freaking ante meridiem. I'm not going to let you haul me around like a piece of luggage until the stroke of midnight!"

"No problemo. See, all I have to do is carry you until I run past the international date line. Then it will be tomorrow and I'll be safe."

Kyle was confused and took no pains to hide it. "Run that past me again?"

Wally gave him a look.

"Pun unintended."

"Safe," Wally clarified, "from everyone with a forefinger and an opposable thumb. Do you have any idea how pinch-able people find my butt? Saint Paddy's just gives them an excuse to try to carry out the impulse." He paused. "Although I wouldn't be opposed to being caught by Zatanna. Her magic fingers can tweak my tush anytime..." he paled. "Don't tell Linda I said that."

"Who the hell is going to try to pinch you for not wearing green?"

"I told you, I'm hot. That makes me high on the pinch-able list. Every March my rear gear gets targeted. I'm tired of annual bruises so this time I got me some insurance...you."

"This is ridiculous. Nobody else worries about being mauled because it's March 17. What about Superman? He's always wearing red and blue."

"Buns of steel. Anyone crazy enough to try to pinch them is going to get a broken thumb and index finger."

"Batman?"

"Hello?" Wally looked at Kyle as if he'd gone nuts. "Batman? Different, yet same result for the idiot fool enough to try...if he or she doesn't end up in a full body cast."

Okay, Kyle should have realized that. "What about Wonder Woman?"

"Double jeopardy: Super strong derrière plus super jealous Batman afterward. Face it, Kyle, I'm the Founder most in need of help here."

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

"So you don't mind?"

"Nope." Kyle glanced over Wally's back. "In fact, I'm now in a perfect position to do.." He activated his ring.

The Flash stuttered, "Yo, dude...what's with the giant hand? OW!"

"Most powerful fingers in the galaxy. Just ask Supes." Smirking, Kyle added another notch to his Superheroes Pinched scorecard.


	9. Chapter 9

"Hey, guys, guess who couldn't stay away! Miss me?" Wally's voice cheerfully called out as he zipped down various corridors. There were no answering greetings. No yells to be quiet or to slow down. Just barren aisles and communal rooms sliding past his peripheral vision. He searched from one area to the next without having any luck.

"Hello? Anybody home?"

Silence.

Feeling a tad more anxious as each passing second slipped by without seeing or hearing anything of his friends, Wally tried running to and knocking on the doors of each of his team mates.

Goodness, but the Watchtower sure was kind of spooky.

Maybe he really shouldn't have watched that Alien marathon last week.

"Hello? Diana? Shayera? GL? Supes?"

Nothing from any of them. Well, nothing from the ones he'd knocked on so far.

Wally internally debated the necessity of trying the last door.

Yeah. The shadows were getting to him. Surely it couldn't get any worse even if the man answered?

Hesitantly, he tapped on the foreboding barrier that separated him from...

"Bats?"

When the area continued to remain quiet, Wally wasn't sure if he should feel relieved about that or even more super freaked out than he was already.

His heart was beating so fast he couldn't even make out the individual thumps.

Where _was_ everybody?

Wally hated darkness. Quiet too. Mix the two together and it was not a good scene. Everything got worse when someone switched off the lights and stopped talking. Monsters and aliens were allergic to light and noise.

Unless they were the ones making the noise because zap guns made zappity noises when they fried somebody.

Oh god...what if...what if there had been an alien takeover? Or a cosmic phenomenon of catastrophic proportions had struck out of nowhere so that everyone was just a pile of pearly dust comprised of assorted minerals lying about like in that ancient Star Trek episode where people had become super dehydrated and -oh man!- hadn't he just been running everywhere in the Watchtower at super speed and disturbing their glistening mortal remains? The particles were probably mixed together beyond separation now.

Oh crappity crappity crap!

Spectral Batman would _not_ be happy to be part and parcel of anyone's mortal remains. Bats hated it when Superman hugged him. Lord knew how His Scariness would take this. The Dark Knight would try to reconstitute himself just in order to kill the last living Founder. In fact the whole League would be pissed and haunt him for the rest of his days like some sort of revengeful chimera, multiple-superheroes ghost of peevishness.

He really shouldn't have watched that Paranormal Channel last night.

Legs trembling a little, Wally decided to try one more time. If anyone would be able to escape dessication it would be-

"J'onn?"

_"Yes, Wallace?"_

"GAH!" Wally jumped back in fright at the disembodied voice. "Don't _do_ that!"

_"Do what?"_

The speedster paused a moment so as to see if his heart was already half way to Pluto or still with him before replying, "Answering in my mind from out of the blue with that ghostly tone when nobody else did and taking five years off my life. Jeepers, J'onn, It was like living a scene from a slasher movie just before the demented zombie gardener strikes with a pitchfork!" He nervously glanced around. "Bad enough it's so, like, eerily silent and kind of dark except for the glow from The Monitor Room. That is you, J'onn, right? I mean, I'm not speaking to your ghost or to some reanimated ghoul waiting to lull me into a false sense of security before he tries to eat my brain?"

_"Wallace, I do not mean to be rude, but might I ask what it is you require?"_

"Oh...yeah." He gave a nervous chuckle. "I was kind of wondering why I appear to be alone in the Watchtower seeing as I was the only one actually scheduled off today. Also about the whole creepy lack of proper illumination and deathly silent Watchtower thing."

_"It may be because the rest of the League were expecting that you would try to take advantage of the situation by arriving unannounced and striving to make them uncomfortable."_

"Situation? Make them uncomfortable?"

_"That is what I said."_

" J'onn," Wally did his best to sound affronted as he attempted to point out, "how could I possibly..."

_"Then you did not intend to embroider "Batmen Do It In The Dark" on the back of Batman's cape with fluorescent pink thread?"_

"Um..." Think fast, Wally! "Doesn't the Bat Family do everything in the dark? That's hardly incriminating or provable..."

_"Or fill the Green Lantern's room with whole lemons?"_

"To that I confess; but, that was so he could...you know...take life's lemons and make lemonade. And lemon chiffon pie. And lemon tarts. And lemon-"

_"Or decorate Shayera Hol's domicile with chicken wire and hay straw with hen eggs in her bed with email announcements to all the League that she was expecting soon? Were you not going to glue a 'bunny tail and ears' onto Wonder Woman's shorts and tiara?"_

"Ah..."

_"Or plaster my door with "Mars Needs Women" movie posters with yourself out front in order to test the lip texture of any female candidates wanting to apply?"_

"Okaaay, those hypothetical occurrences may or may not have happened...I was on a bit of a sugar high at the time...memory black out. You can't judge me based on-"

_"Or replacing the contents of Clark Kent's eyeglass case with spectacles sporting wire springs and plastic eyes?"_

"Those glasses were classics! Classics! Anyway, it's not like I was going to do all that stuff today." Wally rolled his eyes. "Geez, what do you take me for? Have you no respect for my level of spontaneity? Besides that stuff that I may or may not have done was last year. It's spring...everything is supposed to be new and fresh."

_"That's what we were afraid of. In any case, The League expresses their regrets at being presumptuous (not to mention preemptive) and placing the Watchtower on auto lock down for twenty four hours after your signal requested you wished transporting up there. Also for scheduling you for back-to-back monitor duty for the same period."_

"Say what?"

_"Auto lock down during your monitor duty."_

You can't do that! I'll starve!"

_"Superman left plenty of TV dinners in the fridge."_

"J'onn!"

_"There's a keg of pink lemonade as well."_

"J'onn!"

_"Do enjoy your April Fools Day, Wallace."_

_

* * *

_

A/N: title: April's Fool

Posted one day early just in case something goes haywire here tonight like it did with St. Paddy's.

Note: I actually dislike April's Fool Day, but imagine that Wally was less critical of it.


End file.
